July 11, 2013 by genelup
In my diary/book (My Life Shattered then it got worse, until…) when I dropped out of society & bummed & thumbed Europe & Morocco in 1968, Jane played a prominent role in my life back then. She said “NO” to my marriage proposal a few months earlier. I was devastated.
In my book you may recall she visited me in Germany. Our relationship didn’t go forward one iota. The following is the part about Jane (not her real name) I didn’t put into my book:
I moved back to Phoenix after Europe. Jane had moved there earlier. We dated for a time but nothing in our dismal relationship changed. She had two different personalities — a fun-loving one but there also was a dark, controlling side that scared me. Her mother liked me and once she called me and told me if I wanted to win Jane’s heart I had to take a more controlling role in our relationship. That scared me, too. Her mother telling me what to do.
After a year or two, Jane married a very successful man about 20 years older than me. They adopted a daughter. I married a couple years later. I’d see Jane from time-to-time. My son and her daughter attended the same preschool for a while.
She’d call me at the newspaper every few years. When our children were teenagers she invited me to lunch at the Phoenix Country Club. We talked. She told me about her unhappy marriage — they had separate bedrooms shortly after they married. Most of the lunch she drilled me with questions about the newspaper I couldn’t answer. It was not a pleasant lunch. I talked about my life and my family.
The last thing I remember Jane saying to me during lunch was she perceived I was happily married.
I never heard from Jane again. More than 15 years went by, and then I learned from a mutual friend Jane had committed suicide in the early 1990s. She was in her 50s. I thought back; her suicide must of have been close to when we had lunch together.
Since then, I have thought what my life would have been like if Jane said, “Yes,” and we had married. Would we still me married today? I realized it surely wouldn’t have been a marriage made in heaven, but more likely made in a darker realm.