The Gopher

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March 29, 2016 by genelup

I’m going to get that gopher if it is the last thing I ever do in life, I swore as I looked out my bedroom window early one morning.

Another mound of freshly-dug dirt the size of a softball.  I didn’t even bother to pull on my pants but instead ran outside in my boxers, turned on the hose and buried it deep into the hole.  The water gushed and I pushed the surrounding dirt into the hole and the water washed it down.  After a few minutes, the water bubbled up from the hole.  The underground passageway was flooded, and I hoped Mr. Gopher had drowned.

But, NOOOOOOOOO! The next morning the ritual started  again.  This time another mound of dirt was about 10 yards away from the hole I discovered the day before.

-gopher

This nonsense has been going on for a month.  I have flooded a dozen holes in my backyard and Mr. Gopher still survives.  To him it’s a game; to me it’s WAR!

The next day I set a gopher trap in a new hole instead of flooding it, but Mr. Go[her apparently had abandoned that hole.  The trap sat for a week ready to snap shut.

One day while in my above-ground swimming pool, I began walking on the pool’s bottom plastic liner. The liner gave way and my foot sunk into a small hole.  Mr. Gopher was under the pool digging up. He hit my pool’s liner.

As the days continued, I discovered more holes under the pool’s liner.  What can I do?

Mr. Gopher lives, and I’m getting an ulcer.  Should I buy arsenic and throw it down a hole?  Another softball mound of dirt was now just outside my bedroom window. This is the closest Mr. Gopher has come to my house.  He’s obviously mocking me, almost literally knocking on my door.

Dejected, I give up.  As the days go by more mounds of dirt appear in my yard.  I leave them there, not bothering to flood the holes or sink traps in them.  There are a couple more holes under the pool’s liner, too.

One morning, I look out the window.  Only six mounds of dirt; the same number as the day before.  The next day there are still six dirt piles.  That afternoon I decided to go swimming.  I walk to my pool.  The water level is couple of feet lower than it should be.  Not to worry, as I shout for joy.  Floating on top of the water is a very dead Mr. Gopher.  He must have chewed a hole in the pool’s liner and the water gushed downward drowning him and he floated up.

The liner is ruined.  It will cost $300 for a new one.  That’s a lot of money to spend to kill a gopher…but to me it is worth it.

 

 

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