April 13, 2017 by genelup
I sat at the desk in the Oval office and my 7-star general James Mattis handed me a stack of executive orders. I gleefully had to sign each one of them. I chose Mattis to be my main adviser, defense minister, secretary of state and a few other cabinet posts. I chose him because he has these great big bags under his eyes. That means he is a hard-working, dedicated man of whom I can totally depend upon. I hope someday I will have big bags under my eyes.
Executive Order #1: Congress will be abolished, somewhat. Our current Representatives and Senators are a bunch of clowns; they don’t get anything done except to continually raise the debt ceiling, and they take too many vacations. And they don’t listen to their constituents.
Executive Order #2: The Republican and Democrat parties will be abolished. From now on there will be two parties – Bat Crazy Conservatives (BCC) and Snowflake Progressive Liberals (SPL). No more independents, middle-of-the-road misfits. They have to hook on to one of these new parties or they can’t vote. Yes, each party member will get an ID card and must show it to vote. Also, each member must pay an annual $50 fee to his/her party.
Executive Order 3: All 535 U.S. Senators and House of Representatives will be fired immediately. Their pensions will be cut to $2 a year. From now on we will have only 2 Representatives and 2 Senators in congress. In other words, only one Crazy Bat Conservative and one Snowflake Progressive Liberal will be in each of these two houses. I will break every tie in each house, which probably will be every time. Election will be held in two weeks. The empty offices of the 531 congressmen will be converted into housing for the homeless. Getting rid of these self-serving parasites will save the American public trillions of dollars each year. We can use that money for infrastructure for our roads, airports, schools, hospitals, etc.
Executive Order 4: I will build many walls — the southern border 80-feet high and also around Iowa, Kentucky and Martha’s Vineyard. I’ll explain those walls later. I will build a wall around Israel and Slovakia. Why? Because Israel is our most loyal ally in the Middle East and Slovakia is where my parents were born. And I’m 100 percent Slovak-American.
Executive Order 5: Our borders will be closed. No more immigrants and green card seekers. We already have too many people living in our country. Many of them are lazy bums and only want free sh*t. Every 5 years, if more citizens have died than those who were born, we may let more people in. They will be vetted, and only the smartest people will be permitted to live here and eventually become citizens. A huge tarp will cover our out-dated Statue of Liberty.
Executive Order 6: Every citizen and legal green card holder will receive free health care and free college tuition. However, if a student doesn’t get a college degree in 10 years of free schooling, he/she must pay a fine of $50 a month for the rest of their lives. Also, every citizen who reaches 70 years old will automatically get $1 million to enjoy the rest of their lives. And if they reach 95, they will get another $1 million and a free walker in the color of their choice.
Executive Order 7: All prisons will be shut down and will be converted into time-share-resort rooms. Each converted prison will have a private lake and beach, nightclubs and hot tubs in every room. Where will the current prisoners and future bad people go? Glad you asked. To Iowa and Kentucky. Remember in Ex. Order #4 I told you a wall will be built around those states. Iowa will become a huge pig farm, and Kentucky will be a giant chicken ranch. Prisoners and other people I select will be imprisoned and work there. People now living in Iowa and Kentucky will be re-located to Montana and Wyoming. Plus, each family will get $1 million as an incentive to move.
Executive Order 8: Remember I said a wall will be built around Martha’s Vineyard. Everyone who lives there now will be forced from their homes. All these rich people already have second and third and maybe fourth homes anyway. I will decide who will live there, including Obama or Hillary and Trump or Rush Limbaugh. I’ll explain in Ex. Order 9.
Executive Order 9: This country is much too divided. I’ll bring harmony to these shores. All Bat Crazy Conservatives will vote to determine whether Hillary or Obama go to the Iowa pig farm for 10 years. The one with least amount of votes will get a free house in Martha’s Vineyard. Likewise, Snowflake Progressive Liberal voters will decide if either Trump or Limbaugh will go to the Kentucky Chicken ranch for 10 years. The one with the least votes will also get a free house at Martha’s Vineyard. There is so much hatred for these four people and the election will settle this animosity. If anyone shows continued hatred for any one of these four people he/she will be sent to either the pig or chicken farm for a long, long time.
Executive Order 10: The White House will move to Ouray, Colorado. Years ago, I had such a good time in the Elks Club there and I will buy it for my White House. After all, my predecessor said Washington D.C. is in a swamp. I don’t want to live in one. And the Elk Statue in front of this new White House will be the symbol of the land. The Bald Eagle must go.
Executive Order 11: We will withdraw all our military from the Middle East, Japan, Germany, South Korea and anyplace else in the world. We have been in these countries, especially Middle East and Europe, way too long, and these places are a mess and we won’t help them out anymore. They can fend for themselves. We will build up our military to be the strongest in the world. We will invent a secret harmonic convergence weapon that if anyone sends a missile our way our harmonic thing will make that missile do a 180 and go back and blow up its launching pad. That will teach them to mess with my country.
Executive Order 12: I am sick of fake news on networks and cable. Only Fox Business is totally fair; all the rest aren’t. Stuart Varney, Lou Dobbs and Maria Bartiromo are the best newshounds and commentators on TV.
Thus, they will get more air time. All other networks will only be allowed to broadcast news one hour in the morning and one hour at night. At least one person at CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC and FOX will have to serve 6 months at the pig or chicken farms. Rachel Maddow and Wolf Blitzer are main candidates for that stint. I think it would be funny if we had a Wolf in the Chicken House. Ha Ha! Bill O’Reilly will be given a free house in Martha’s Vineyard so he can continue writing his “killing” books. He comes out with one every five minutes or so.
Executive Order 13: Every restaurant in our land will be ordered to serve Spam on their menus. This will help to humble our populace. Once a year, each person will have to submit in their tax return a restaurant receipt that showed they ate Spam. If not, the gates at Iowa or Kentucky will open to them. Oh, incidentally, all corporate and individual taxes will be reduced to only 5%. I guess I will have to make that in another Executive Order. I’ll have to go and find Gen. Mattis and get started to reduce taxes.